December 25, 2024

The Daily Mimic

Satire of the utmost quality and absurdity

Facebook reveals plans to authenticate user identities with nude selfies

Facebook is tearing through the boundaries of privacy laws once again, this time revealing plans to force users to authenticate their identity with each login attempt by submitting a nude photo of themselves.

This controversial decision is an attempt to bolster account security after the personal information of over 500 million Facebook users was stolen and published in a hacker forum earlier this year.

“We desperately need to significantly raise the difficulty level of account compromise.” Said CTO of Facebook, Mike Schroepfer. “The more variables we can add to the login process the harder it will be for hackers to exploit the process.”

Mike explained that the variations in facial features across the global population are surprisingly narrow, and to expand divergence, distinct body features need to also be considered in the authentication algorithm.

“My cousin, who looks very similar to me, is able to unlock my phone through facial recognition, but if body features are also considered, he’ll have no chance. My cousin can never replicate my transversus abdominis!” Mike said.

A Facebook employee, who asked to remain anonymous, assured that the tech behemoth will not share any nude photo submissions with its advertising partners.

“As the CEO of Facebook, I take the privacy of our users very seriously.” He said. “You have my word that authentication data will not be used to display personalized ads for laser hair removal, mole removal, liposuction, or calf implants.”

Nick Lovrien, Chief Security Officer at Facebook said this is the only way users can be protected against advanced nation-state cyber attacks.

“I’m sorry but this is the harsh new reality of the world we live in. In order to have maximum security, we must first have maximum insecurity.”

Marcus Scaeva