Wake up woke with this new leftist alarm clock!

The latest innovation from progressive tech company, PrideTech, is an alarm clock that could correct the mindsets of unconsciously fascist dreamers.

The alarm clock, which was given the nonbinary name River, wakes up users by playing progressive phrases read by Whoopi Goldberg.  

By default, River’s alarm tone is set to the phrase “Gender is fluid” which is played on repeat to the sound of a cascading waterfall.

But there are over 200 inspiring alarm phrases to choose from. Including, “we’re changing herstory” and “all hail Fidel.”

River’s inventor, James Sanders, said that this is just the baseline model, and we should expect advanced upgrades in the future.

“The next software upgrade will include a ‘subconscious cleansing’ feature where users will be played select phrases while they sleep to reprogram their minds.” She said.

But as expected with all first-generation technology, the product is not without its quirks. 

A bug in the software makes the word “Bigot” sound like “Bigfoot” which changes the alarm’s phrase to “You’re a bigfoot.” 

“We should get that fixed in the next update,” laughed James. “Our aim is to awaken the humanity in people, not the monster in them.”

Marcus Scaeva